Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing something that doesn’t come naturally to me.
I’ve been looking—on purpose.
Without fixing, optimizing, or declaring a big new plan.
Just looking at something that I’ve historically put last – finances
I didn’t begin with a budget or a spreadsheet overhaul. I started by noticing how much avoidance had quietly shaped my habits over the years.
Bills were paid.
Money was in the bank.
Everything seemed “fine.”
And yet, I didn’t really know what was happening beneath the surface—especially with subscriptions, recurring charges, and the way small decisions compound over time.
That pattern of avoidance wasn’t about math. It was about being afraid to see the whole picture at once. Because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
So I made a decision:
I would stop avoiding—and start observing.
What I’ve Been Doing (Quietly and Imperfectly)
I’ve been taking what I call a “just look” approach.
That has meant:
- Pulling statements instead of skimming them
- Tracking subscriptions instead of assuming I remembered them all
- Discovering charges I thought were canceled—and dealing with the fallout
- Realizing that some things can’t be understood without a bit of organizing first, especially when deadlines (like taxes) are involved
None of this has been fast. And none of it has been polished.
In fact, some weeks looked like progress. Others not so much.
But something important shifted along the way: the fear I’d built up over years of not looking was far worse than the reality of finally seeing things as they are.
What Surprised Me Most
What surprised me wasn’t how much needed attention—it was how much relief came with taking responsibility.
Once I stopped postponing decisions, I felt steadier.
Once I worked through a process one time, the next time took a fraction of the energy.
Once I admitted, “I don’t actually have a system here,” the path forward became clearer.
That’s a pattern I recognize from many other areas of life and work. It’s rarely the task itself that drains us—it’s the friction created by not having a repeatable way to approach it.
Why I’m Sharing This Now
I’m pausing here—not because I’m done, but because I’m not.
I haven’t named this phase.
I haven’t packaged it.
I’m not ready to call it a system.
What I am doing is paying attention to what’s changing as I move from avoidance to awareness, from reaction to intention.
And I know I’m not the only one who has postponed certain areas of life simply because everything else felt more urgent.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’ve been meaning to look at that…”—whether it’s finances, files, commitments, or something else entirely—you’re just at the moment before clarity.
I’ll keep sharing what I’m noticing as I go.
Not as advice or instruction.
But as someone willing to look—and learn—out loud.